moonlighto3
Farmer
 Number of posts: 800
Roleplay Name: Mist Evergreen
 | | Subject: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 8:01 am | |
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Last edited by moonlighto3 on Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:19 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : removed some...) |
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Kritten
Admin
Number of posts: 8754
Roleplay Name: Kitty Kitz
Awards: 
| | Subject: Re: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 9:14 am | |
| You want a comma after the word friend. (Sorry, but I'm really picky when it comes to grammar.) _____________________ | Quote: | Kazumi couldn't help but feel a bit nervous around Cody. He was unlike anyone she had ever seen before. His voice was smooth, his skin fair and his hair the perfect shade of brown. But his eyes had to be the most wonderful thing about his looks. Yes, he was like a giant Ken doll. |
I love you Kazu. ♥♥♥♥ |
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Eternal Silence
Admin
Number of posts: 6205
Roleplay Name: Arden Auiban
Awards: 
| | Subject: Re: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:42 pm | |
| Well, more character descriptions would be a good start. For example, we know from your dialouge that the girl is beautiful. How so? Describe her hair, eyes, etc. Same for Sam. Maybe a brief history as to why he's so surly?
Also, I noticed a couple of times where you spelled the word "what" as "hat." Also, watch your capitilazation. The only words you should capatilize are nouns (people, places, etc) and the words at the beginning of the sentences.
I think descriptions and simple spelling/grammar issues are your main issues. But you definitely have potential! Keep writing! ^^ |
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gothica800
Banned
Number of posts: 4632
| | Subject: Re: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:43 pm | |
| "write more, or ask eternal what i'll do to you!"  |
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Eternal Silence
Admin
Number of posts: 6205
Roleplay Name: Arden Auiban
Awards:
| | Subject: Re: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:56 pm | |
| *goes to find special ear-covering hat* |
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moonlighto3
Farmer
Number of posts: 800
Roleplay Name: Mist Evergreen
| | Subject: Re: Untitled...hey, please check this.E.S, here's my story. Thu Mar 26, 2009 8:13 pm | |
| Thanks! i promise, i'll make this one better.! i'll edit it right away. |
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